Saturday, April 30, 2005

Zoo Crew...

So I decided that I needed a possee and to call it the zoo crew, who thought the idea would catch on. So here are the members of our group and there names. I am the Vanilla Gorilla, Pat is the Albino Rhino, Ross is the Pink Flamingo, Jon is the Yellow Rat, Evan is the Pale Whale, and Noe is el Chupa Cabre(Goat Eater). If you wish to join all you need to do is think a of a cool animal name for yourself that meet Pat and my standards(which arent very high). Anywayz today was rather uneventful class was boring and the night wasn't much better. PaT, I, Noe and Evan lost to Jon and Ross in a dota while they were drunk(rather sad actually)especially since it's not the first time that this has happened. I always feel a little out of place because I don't drink much, not that I look down on those who do it just really isn't my thing. I guess a large part of it is that alcohol and drugs have devastated the lives of some people who were very close to me and I vowed to myself that I would never let the same thing happen to me. Oh well, the guys don't seem to look down on me for not drinking which is nice:)I remember in high school I got harassed because I didn't go out and get hammered in the cornfield with people every weekend.haha and amusing part of the night came when I played commentator for a game of pool that was played by pat jack jon and ross Everyone seemed to get a kick out of it haha but then again I am a very funny guy:)haha shamless self promotion and ego inflation_ Oh well it is nice to get a little ego boost every now and then

Thursday, April 28, 2005

A little peace in my life...

Today was a decent day. I guess I am still kinda happy that Meghan dumped Bobby(loser!!!)but I don't think I am happy in knowing he is hurt or she is hurt. I think the reason I am happy is because it gives me a little comfort and peace in life. I really don't know at the moment I will post more on that later. Today Jon came over and made me dispose of the letters I had written to Meg that were incomplete and had yet to be sent. But I really am starting to think that really was for the best. He was right that I would prolly get really down one day and finish it and send it and having sitting around is just to tempting to have that lying around on my computer. So I guess it really was in my best interest to dispose of it. However, this doesn't mean that I don't still miss her and want her back. But I have come to terms with the fact that this will prolly never happen. Oh well, never say never but until then the old vanilla gorilla still has some game and is back on the field if any of you ladies are interested. After all I am very handsome(lol) I wish! Today was another good day for homework and I got some work done for things due in the future I need to accomplish a lot this weekend however to finish strong. I am currently working on my own Vanilla Gorilla rap and will consider posting it when I finish, if you would like to see this post a comment saying so. Pat and I also decided to do a radio show together so that should be entertaining, plus I will most likely be doing sportsline next year becuase my friend who is the station director asked me to replace the current anchor for that program due to my plethora of sports knowledge. One last interesting observation is that this seems to be the season for leaving or being left by your significant other. Most of my friends have either been dumped or dumped their significant other this semester. That is really really odd especially since I thought spring was supposed to be the season for rebirth renewal and new love and passion and such. Oh well I hope that trend changes for eveyone and they find someone special. Tonight I will end by saying: Be hopeful, hopeful , hopeful for today take this music and use it let it take you away and be hopeful, hopeful and he'll make away, I know it aint easy but thats ok.

Score One for the Good Guys..

Hey everyone, just a warning this post is gonna be a little vendictive. I learned today that Meghan dumped Bobby. Hooray, score one for the good guys bitches!!!Not that I have any dillusions that it will make her come back to me or anything(despite how bad I want that) but it's nice to hear that the hero(me) doesn't always get screwed over. I could handle the fact that Meghan was gonna date again but not Bobby, the sad thing was before this I considered the guy a friend, some friend. Bobby isn't half the man I am literally or figuratively, but that wasn't the most disturbing part. What really bothered me was I found out that last year this little piece of shit did nothing but sit and trash talk her and make rude comments because he was jealous that he couldn't hve her. Also, it just hurt knowing that he could never love or want her as much as I did and thus didnt deserve her!! Oh well, if finding this out and being relatively happy makes me a bad person the I guess I am abad person but its nice to know the hero of the story doesn't always lose. Other than that not much in life is new, I managed to get some homework done today and I hope that trend will continue and lead to a strong finishing push that will help me finish well and strong. On a sadder not finding out she is single again really makes me want meghan back even more. I have to force myself not to sit down and finish the letter I started writing her awhile back saying I don't care how you changed I love you and want you back. Every day I have to force myself to not write and send that letter, because there is always hope even if it is just a fool's hope. Maybe some day I will break down and send the letter but for now I shall restrain myself and let things be for the time being. But Meghan kinda summed it up when she left saying that if she ever wanted to come back she had to come to me, who knows if that will ever happen like I said maybe someday I will break down and write her or something and see what happens but not right now. It's weird I can't even call her Meg anymore because that was my name for her, I was the first person to call her that name frequently and it has special meaning to me but that was the name I called the girl who loved me and wanted to be with me, that's why I can't call her or refer to her by that name anymore and when I do it is usually by accident. I just don't know what to do when it comes to that aspect of my life, I don't even know if she misses me at all or even thinks of me anymore or feels bad for what she did and how much she hurt me. But if I could tell her one thing it would be that I love her and I don't care how much she changed I still love her and want her back. I hope in her heart she knows that. Anywayz I usually end by quoting something whether it be a song, a movie, or a person. So sticking with tradition I will end tonight by saying Don't Stop Believing!By the way don't be afriad to leave comments people, as long as they arent cruel or unusual or critical.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

If I Could Change the World...

Hello out there. Ya know sometimes I wish I could change the world. I would love to fix the rutt my life is in now. A single, lonely, studly(lol jk)I wish, restless guy who would do anything to regain what he has lost. Sometimes it is impossible to leave things in the past. Some things simply matter to much to ever be forgotten or given up on, no matter how impossible it seems. But, I guess it makes me a fool to hold on the hope that there is hope and anything is possible. I guess what I really wish I had was inner peace. I still have so many unanswered questions, so much pain that won't go away and a heart that can't forget what it once had. Why do things have to change for the worse, not all changes are bad but the ones in my life lately have been nothing but misery for me. First I Lost my best friend, my lover, and the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life in one fatal and painful stroke. With that I lost my apetite and ability to sleep. Now I seem to be losing the ability to get any work done at all. But yet I still hope aginst hope that something good will happen in the future will reuinte me with the one who I long to be with. I guess in a way it is very foolish to hope for but then again people don't always do things that make sense. To end this post I would like to close by saying. Goodbye doesn't mean forever, Goodbye doesn't mean we will never be together again, Even though we are so far apart you still have my heart.

If I Could Change the

Monday, April 25, 2005


Ya know it's a sad life that I lead at the moment. All I have to look forward to every day are the several dota's that us guys play together, that's it. Pretty sad huh? I have been doing alot of thinking lately because I have alot on my mind and I just don't know what to do right now I honestly don't. I am stressed, miserable, and going completely insane and I hate it. Every day I can feel another little piece of my self and my life slip away and I feel powerless to stop it. I would give anything to have Meghan back I really would. I guess most people wouldnt understand it but thats the way I feel and I would do anything to get it.Anywayz I have bummed you all out enough for the time being and I have some food cooking so I will go. I will end by saying always follow your heart.

Sunday, April 24, 2005


Hey everyone, the other day I was listening to some music and I remembered an old Beatles song I liked called Yesterday. I really like this song and now I can really appreciate what the lyrics to the song mean. Just so you know here is what the lyrics are:
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.
Like I said with the way my life has been lately I can really really appreciate what the lyrics of this song mean. This weekend has been rather uneventful. Pat and I are an excpetional team at playing D.O.T.A's for those of you who are warcraft illiterate that means defense of the ancients in plain speech and it's a game involving picking a hero, leveling him/her up, and attempting to destroy enemy towers, players and ultimately the base. Anywayz Pat and are an outstanding team, we win almost 80-85 percent of the games in 2v2 mode and can win fairly often in 2v3. It's not that we have super communication or anything, we just know what the other guy is going to do without thinking, I guess a big part of that is we are really close friends and the other part is simply that we make a good team. It also helps that we think so much alike in so many ways. People have even commented that sometimes we seem like the same person. Anywayz, enough ego buffing for now. Not that I couldn't use a good ego boost right now, my confidence is still shot. My weekend was very unproductive I got my econ homework done alone with my con law reading which didnt need to be done for awhile , but I failed to adress my logic homework or start my paper for con law class. I' ve turned into such a slacker this last few months. I am dropping a class, likely to get only one A and some kind of variations of 2 B's. Plus I don't seem to be sleeping right or genuinely excited to be alive. I mean today I didn't get up until 1:30 p.m. and I stayed in bed hating life until 3 p.m.. My friend Dana made me and Pat an excellent chicken dinner at 5 that was nice. So thank you Dana:)Anywayz those things are not like me at all, it's weird I feel like i have to find myself all over again and redefine myself once again in life. Unfortunately I was happiest when I was with Meg and things were good, never in my life had I been that happy or content and just happy to be who I am then I was then. Thus I will end this post by sayingYesterday, love was such an easy game to play.Now I need a place to hide away.Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Friday Night

I don't really have anything to post tonight, haha but whats new. I spent this friday night the same way I spend pretty much every friday night, I played a Dota or two and then watched alot of tv by myself. I really miss having someone around, I think everyone knows who I mean. I really thought life would get easier the more time passed, however this has not been the case. Everyone seems to tell me that time heals all wounds, nothing could be further from the truth. Time may pass and dull the pain, but it doesnt make it go away and it doesn't magically make it disappear. Pain is quite funny in that way isnt it? Oh well, I don't really have anything else to say tonight

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Some Stories Do Have A Happy Ending...

Hey everyone as the name implies some stories do end happily. I have two close friends who have been having a rough time in their relationship and I am glad to see them work things out. I think they realized just how much it is that they love each other and that their love was strong enough to overcome whatever problems they were facing. It somewhat restores my faith that when two people love each other enough that they can overcome any problem as long as they love each other enough and face the problem together. I am very happy things worked out for them and it warms my heart to see them both happy again. Sigh. But it also makes me kind of jealous I faced an almost identical situation and my result was on the other end of a spectrum, in fact my whole life kinda moved into the miserable shade of life because of it. It's funny you think I would be able to forget about it, but lately I have been trying to help one of my friends and it brings back so many memories and feelings, many of them painful. Not much is new in my life lately, I went and saw Sin City the other night with a bunch of friends, it was a good movie, definitely worth the price of admission but you wont like it if you object to violence, foul language, or mild nudity. Otherwise I am just trying to survive til the summer. I am just trying to get by day by day. School and life have really handed me a good ass whooping this semester and the effects of it are noticeable on my mind, body and soul. I am 30lbs lighter, a lot less happy, a lot more lonely, and left struggling to figure out answers to questions that I have never had before. So I think the term surviving is appropriate to my current situation because it is still a struggle just to get by. If anyone actually reads this(haha) then I am sorry my posts tend to be long, depressing, boring, and such. But it't really the only outlet I have to talk about this kind of stuff. I got sick of burdening my friends and family by telling them all this stuff over and over again. So I kinda forced myself to stop letting myself feel certain ways and bottle it up so everyone would stop worrying about me. I hate causing people any kind of grief or hassle:( Because I am definitely not worth it. It's funny those of you who know me well, would probably not describe me as a lonely depressed person. I would hope you think of me in a better light, as a nice guy who is very loyal who cares about his friends alot and who is a pretty bright guy who has a good sense of humor. Oh well, you can't always get you want, it would just be nice if I had any faith that everything was gonna be ok and turn out for the best, so far it hasn't.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Things I've Learned

Well here I am posting again, I have alot of free time and alot on my mind so I decided to come here and write about it. Life sure takes some funny twists and turns doesn't it? Last year at this time I was engaged and just about as happy and content as one person could be. Now, I am a single, lonely, and struggling to find the answers to many questions that I have after all that has transpired over the last several months. One of the things I learned from the whole experience though is that I have more friends and people that care about me than I ever thought I did. I definitely owe a huge thank you to my family especially my dad who was always there to talk to me even at the wee hours of the morning. I also owe a thanks to all of my friends that listened,cared,and provided some answers to important questions I had. Another big thanks goes out to my good friend Jon, he helped me regain my social life and be part of a group again, I just feel lucky that all the guys let me hang with them. You would be suprised how much easier life is when you have people to hang out with and things to do. However, I also learned that when you truly love someone you don't stop loving them because they leave. I can't explain why that is, especially when one person has wronged the other person terribly and hurt them tremendously. But then again no one ever said life had to make sense. Also the old saying out of sight , out of mind is a complete fallacy. If you really care about someone, then it doesn't matter how far they move away you will still think about them, miss them, and care about them deeply. I am sorry if my blogger posts seem depressing, however I see this as my forum to express my thoughts and feelings in written form without having to worry about what anyone thinks.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Late night thoughts...

Well I have only had this thing for 2 days and already I have posted 2 times, I would say that's pretty impressive. Night used to be my favorite part of the day, at one time in my life night was a time of peace and serenity, a time when I would lie in bed and recall the days events and think about things both good and bad. Now I lie awake wondering and doubting things. I think about my love life,or lack there of, every night I keep wondering if I will ever find someone again to love me who wants to be with me and spend her life with me have my kids and grow old together. I guess maybe thats unreasonable, especially with me being who I am. I still havent gotten over the feelings of being a loser I had when Meg left me, I still blame myself for alot of things even though she is the one who left. Ya know I havent had a good night's sleep since the day she called off the wedding in January. Everyone thinks I sleep alot, however I don't I sleep for 5 to 7 hours max and then lay in bed thinking the rest of the time. I remember a time when i used to be able to sleep 14 hours, I miss those days, I miss alot of what used to be in my life. I guess I wish I knew that everything was gonna work out and turn out for the best. Everyone tells me it will and things will be okay, but I think Creed put it best when they sang that a silver lining sometimes isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right. Oh well, how could I ever expect any girl to like me, honestly what do I have to offer? Well except for incrediblely long hot amazing sex;) But seriously how could any girl want a loser like me? Well I guess life must go on, but its hard because the memories of the past seem to haunt me. As the saying goes memories are like a grindstone that whether the soul. I just wish mine didnt have to be whethered so much.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Another lonely night

I honestly never thought I would give in and get myself one of these blogger things, but I guess it's a good way to express your thoughts and feelings and for people to know what's going on in your life. Today is April 17th, two days after my ex fiance's birthday and I have been thinking about her a lot lately, it's kind of ironic actually once I forced myself to stop thinking about her consciously I started to dream about her all the time. I wish i could completely forget about her like she did me, but it's not that easy, I still love her with all my heart and soul and some hurt never ever fades away. I would have done anything to have her back and still would, the guy she is seeing now is a complete loser and my polar opposite and it eats me up inside. It's like being devoured from the inside out by some horrible creature that dwells inside of you. If you haven't lost someone you loved then you dont know what I'm talking about. However, those of you who have know what I am feeling. I wish things were different but sometims no matter how bad you want something and need it you can't have it. I still hurt from her leaving me and I don't know why. My dad says it is because how much I put into the relationship and how much I loved and cared about her. I really did, that girl meant the world to me. I guess it doesn't help that it is really crunch time at school too and that my grades aren't where they should be and I hate using the break up as an excuse for doing so poorly, but it really fucked me up pretty bad for a long time and it will prolly only drop my gpa from 3.87 to like 3.779 and i can always bring that back up. I guess it also doesn't help that I see Pat getting another chance with Dana, I mean I am glad they are still together and all I am just jealous that he got a chance to fix things and make things right. Some days I still think about running away from it all and saying screw it, besides who would notice besides my family, everyone would probably be better off if I did, I guess I simply dont matter to that many people.