Saturday, May 28, 2005

To Beard or Not to Beard...

hello again loyal readers. As you may have noticed the frequency of my blogging has go way down. This is due in large part to the fact that nothing new or exciting is happening in my life and I chose not to bore you with the mundane details. I could sit and tell you all my thoughts and feeling every day because there certainly are alot of those, but I think you would all get bored of hearing many of the same things over and over again, especially since most of you already know what occupies alot of my thinking. Anywayz I have made a decision, I have decided to grow a beard, yes that's right a beard, I shall grow this beard until life gives me a reason to shave it. Basically when something good happens I will shave said beard, if nothing good hapens for a long time then i willl continue growing a beard and then attempt to grow an afro. Other measures are in place after this but we will not discuss those at the current moment. If I get a reallly cool or doofy looking beard going I will take and post a picture on here. Now I move to my next debate, I am so bored that I am debating whether or not to do another Vanilla Gorilla rap detailing the adventures of everyones favorite gorilla yours truly. When asked whether he thought this was a good idea the albino rhino responded oh no, oh god no. However, if you would like to hear more of the Vanilla Gorilla's adventures in rap form leave a comment saying so. Other than that I don't have much to say life is pretty boring right now, I am still looking for a job and spend most of my time at home trying to keep myself occupied somehow. I will close by saying "sometimes you just have to let things go."

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Soccer Helmets, A discussion inspired by Jon...

Ok, normally I dont post more than 1 time per day at most however after reading Jon's blog and the discussion on soccer helmets I had to throw my 2 cents in. As a former athlete(specifically football)a sports fan and some one with a vast knowledge of sports I feel am I worthy to pick up this discussion. The idea of soccer helmets is simply ludacris!!! I can not put into words how stupid this idea is. The game of soccer does not in any way shape or form need helmets. Now I am not criticizing the importance of helmets in proper forums(i.e football, hockey) these are sports where it is critical to wear a helmet, and being a football player I could give a litany of times I was glad I was wearing a helmet. However football is a collision sport, soccer is not. The style of play soccer uses does not in any way require a helmet, because the goal of soccer isnt to run into or hurt other players, any contact that players have is either very limited or incidental, and is not a large part of the game. I must say that soccer is a not a violent sport, those of you who claim it is are morons, yes fans have died due to rioting and stampeding, but this is the action of the fans and not of the game and players involved. Football and hockey are quiet different. Football players are constantly in physical contact with other players and require constant protection of their vital areas, the head, the crotch etc, and as a former football player I can tell you that when your involved in a pile up for a fumble or even just a gang tackle, arms, legs, fists heads, go flailing about and frequently bounc of your helmet. Now I am not criticizing the game of soccer, it is a game that require skills endurance and technique. But Soccer is not a game where power, strength, or size mean a whole lot. How hard you can hit someone is irrelevant in soccer. Now lets face facts soccer players already play a sport that is simply not violent and has limited contact, do not limit the contact and minimal violence the game contains but making helmets a part of it. Part of playing sports is getting a little beat up and pushing your physical limits. I mean I have seen my share of injuries on the field I have witnessed my middle school qb suffer a compound fracture, I have seen rb's and wr's suffer torn acl and mcl's on the field, I myself have hit underclassmen in tackling drills so hard that the passed out for a few minutes. The things is injuries dont result from lack of protection, injuries result from obvious physical mismatches, complete accidents, or one of the participants not playing at full speed. The simple message is don't baby soccer players by making these helmets a requiremnt even in the distant future.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Nothing New...

As the title of this post indicates absolutely nothing is new in my life right now. I have applied for several more jobs but I have not heard anything back on any of them yet. I am still hopeful that I might be able to find a job this summer, at least I hope I will. Til then I shall continue to do household chores and yardwork and any other assorted chores I can find til I get a job. As you can tell
I changed the name of my blog to the daily banana because I am the Vanilla Gorilla and I think it is a little more cheerful then my last title. My sister decided to come home last night and visit for a few days because she has a few days off from both her jobs, it was nice to see her and spend a little time with her. My sister and I pretty close and it's always refreshing to sit down and talk to her about life and such. Other than that absolutely nothing is new in my life. Basically so far this summer I have sat around alot and done alot thinking. However, all this thinking has not yieleded any significant answers yet. I hope someday all the time spent thinking will result in my becoming myself again, I still feel kinda empty, like a part of me is missng. I will close by saying "even the darkest night has it's dawn."

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Summer is over rated...

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in awhile but I have been kinda busy the last few days and doing alot of thinking. In my course of thinking I have decided that summer is extremely over rated, I can't quite understand why everyone gets so excited to go home for the summer. Now if you have a ton of friends you want to see or who want to see you, a steady job, and genuinely want to go home then summer must be great. However, I have none of these things so summer is much less enjoyable. The one friend I want to see from back home is my very good friend and ex -roomate Nick and I am sure we will hang out quite a bit this summer. But I lack a steady job and the genuine interest in being at home. The job situation I am attempting to remedy I have applied several places in Fergus, however other places I went and tried to apply turned me away out right saying that they werent hiring, so I may be lacking a job for awhile. This makes me feel quite upset, I don't wanna sit around the house all summer being a complete drain on my parents and doing nothing. So far to make myself more useful I have taken on alot of the household chores in order to help out ( i.e. dishes, wash, cleaning, yard work, cleaning, and anything requiring heavy liftinmg), I figure it's the least I can do since mom works and dad's health isn't very good. And as far as the genuine interest in being here goes I don't have that either. I mean I love my parents and I know they like having me around but home just isn't the place I wanan be right now, I mean I thought summer at home would be a good time for me to regroup and heal and come back next year, but right now it just isn't working out that way. Right now I am so torn over what to do in my life, which is very strange to me becuase I have almost always known what I wanted to do and what I was going to do. But at this moment I have so many questions that need answers and I can't seem to find any of them, I am even struggling to decide who I am now, and thats a question I thought I had the answer to. This semester really shook me up and changed my vision of who I was, before I thought I was the hard working smart guy who seemed to achieve whatever he worked for, personally I thought I was the sweet funny caring guy who had finally found someone who really liked me, ya know I thought for once I finished in a position other than last. It's funny how fast the walls and perceptions we have come crashing in on us sometimes, and how very wrong they actually are. I mean if I'm not the over achieving smart kid who am I, if I'm not the best what do I have to show for anything? I have never been one to just play the game, I wanna be the best, I guess that's just the competitor in me kicking in and I know life is a difficult game to win at even some of the time. Sorry if this post seems depressing or self indulgent or like I am trying to elicit pity from anyone. I am not attempting to do any of these things and I desire no one's pity or sympathy, I am writing this because it's how I feel and I need to express it somewhere instead of putting aside and not dealing with it til it just gets worse. Right now I really feel liked my life has already reached it's peak and is now on the downslope. Oh well I have written enough for now so I will close by saying "unclear this boy's future is."

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Tests...

So I was really bored today so I took a bunch of personality tests on liquidgeneration.com and here are the results do any of these fit me?Opinions welcome.






Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A return in more ways than one..

Today was pretty much another boring day of me continuing to serach for a job. Being from a small and very rural area it is hard to find alot of jobs, event hough fergus falls is a decent sized town it is the onmly large city in about 60 miles in every direction so there is alot of competition for any decent type of job, oh well I hope something will come along soon. Today I also joined the world of warcraft universe again after a 4 month lay off, a nice bonus is that I retained all my old chars but right now I am rolling a night elf rogue named nitewalker on the stormscale pvp server. The other part of my day consisted on the everlasting quest to orgainize my room in some manner that looks nice nd is semi efficient since my parents had kinda been using it as a storage room while I was at college this task becomes a little difficult. My good friend pat wrote an interesting blog on why jon(another good friend) was the tribal warlord of pine or at least why he was pat's king, while I hold Jon in high regard I think its a bit much to call him king, sorry Jon, your a very intelligetn guy with a heart of gold and a great personality, however I call no one king. But I still consider you a good friend. I also enjoyed Pat's post pertaining to dogs. He makes alot of good points, If I had to associate myself with an animal I would consider myself a dog, a big loyal, honest, loving creature who will always be there no matter how poorly you treat him. I think being associated with a dog is a great honor, in reality I would rather spend time with dogs than alot of people I know. I am also very dog like in that I am soft, warm, and cuddly, I know how much you ladies out there love that;)call me;)lol, lol my desperation has reached such a level that I am trying to pick up girls via my blog lol jk that is something I was hoping might happen this summer to start dating again, I know it will be rough, since I am still very much in love with Meghan and still want her back, however it is likely that this will never happen and other alternatives must be sought out, plus I miss having a female around, I guess we will see what happens with that, I do have some things to offer a female, oh well. For those of you who haven't heard the song pimpin all over the world by ludacris you should listen to it,I think it is a cool song. That's all I got to say for now so I close by saying "Tis never to late to seek a newer world."

Monday, May 16, 2005

The year in Review...

hey everyone. It's been a few days since my last post , so I apologize to my loyal readers. I thought I would dedicate the first portion of this post to a little review of the year. I can honestly say the last 16 months of my life have spanned the emotional gambit several times over. At certain times I was the happiest and most content I had ever been(for example when Meghan agreed to marry me and when we were planning our wedding and future life together)but it also contained the times that I was the most miserable and depress I had ever been(specifically when Meghan left me out of the blue)I can honestly say when that happened that was the closest I have ever been to wanting to go out and get so drunk I dont know who I am, and I have to admit for a long time there were alot of days that I wanted to throw myself off a bridge. Luckily, I had alot of good people around me who cared and weren't prepared to let me do that. I can not say how greatly I appreciate all my friends and family did for me in this situation, it shows you who really cares about you and who bails when times are hard and I had both in this situation. Other things in my life changed alot also. When I came back from X-mas break I weighed 252lbs what can I say I'm a big guy, now I weigh in at 218lbs.And I am still anxiously waiting to see how far my grade poiint average falls( on a positive note I got a B+ in ecom). Life is very different now then it was 6monts ago, 12 months agor, and especially 16 months ago I guess thats the funny part about life is that the future is constantly moving around you. But despite these things happening I also had some happiness in my life. I made alot of good friends this semester that I didn't have before and every single pone of them are great guys, I didnt have any real issues with anyone from the dorm except this guy named Huck who was a fucking moron and a complete space cadet. I usually don't like to insult people but I definitely think he warrants insulting. This last year has taught me alot about many things. The most important thing I learned is that life is a constant fight, and life is gonna knock you down every now and then, but you cant just lay on the mat and quit, you have to get up and get back in the fight, even though this is often very difficult and requires alot of work. Thats my piece of advice for the day. Now for some updates on my life as of late. I am officially home and have all my stuff unpacked and crammed in my room. I am currently looking for a job and doing my best to get one. I have decided to resume playing world of warcraft, I will most liekly role a night elf rogue on a pvp server so that I can join my friend's nick and josh's guild. My parents are still in the process of remodeling both bathrooms, right now the upstairs bathroom is about half done and its looking really good I must say. Other than that not much is new in my life, I am excited to see the new star wars movie on thursday. I have bored all of you enough for now and I am cooking myself dinner so I'm out. I will close by saying " we be pimpin' all over the world."

Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Vanilla Gorilla Rap...

This is only a first draft and is subject to change and lengthening but here is the much anticipated Vanilla Gorilla rap..

I’m the v to the g I’m the vanilla gorilla
And when I step on the stage I be the number one thrilla
So get off the stage and hand me the mic
Cuz I’m gonna rock this party from the day to the night
The tracks I lay will be so funky
I m bout to show ya’ll I ain’t no average monkey
But son don’t step to me or we’ll have to rumble
Bitch I’m the biggest baddest ape in this jungle
But please don’t worry I don’t like to fight
I’m just the big white guy who treats the ladies right
Ladies I promise I can make ya smile
I ll show ya’ll how to do it gorilla smile
I can hit from the back below or above
Cuz this gorilla is from the jungle of love
I perfected my style in my own home town
Girl I bet you never made love hanging upside down
All you fellas please save the anger and save the hate
Hate the game not this fine primate
I cant help the fact that I’m soft and warm
And let me tell ya the honeys come in a swarm
This gorillas banana is what they need
As I lay um down and start to plant my seed
To start the next generation of little monkeys
Little fat white apes who like to get funky
Now ya know me so ill pass the mic
To my zoo crew buddies, so guys do it right

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Finals...

No one like finals, this is especially true of myself this semester. I had 2 finals today my con law final went well and I am pretty sure I have an A locked up in that class but then I had to take my logic final, which was actually 2 tests, also I had to turn in my final paper in that class which I was less than confident about. There is still a decetn possibility that I could get a C in that class, but i think it is more likely that I will get some sort of B, at least I hope, a C would really hurt my gpa so I am hoping for that B. My fav professor recommended me for a job with the center for small towns, they asked him to reccomend someone and I was the first choice. So I felt pretty good after hearing that, although I always feel good when I hear people talking about me in a positive way, I'm a dork like that. So now I have one final left on friday and then I go home and the summer begins for me and hopefully I will have a job sooner rather than later. Anywayz if I don't get to see you before you go I am sorry, but to all my friends in Pine you guys are my boyz and if you ever need anything anything at all you know where to find me and all you have to do is ask and I'll be there. I owe you guys more than I could ever say and I hope some day I can help you in the way you guys helped me.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

A man of Honor...

Just to warn everyone in advance this will be a fairly self indulgent post so read at your own chosing. I am really starting to believe that there is no reward in the world for people who believe in the same principles as I do including myself. I consider myself a strong believer in the concepts of honor, loyalty, kindness, politeness,truth, and love. However it seems as though none of these concepts are rewrded in the real world. For example, cheating on a test, not knowing the material will cause you to fail the test but cheating will help you to pass or maybe even achieve a decent grade assuming your cheating off of someone who is fairly intelligent, and most profs never ever catch anyone who cheats. So what sense does it make to abstain from cheating? None whatsoever is the answer. This is really a sad thing to say too because I believe strongly in the concept that hard work is should be recognized and rewarded. However cheating on the test is the more logical choice in this situation because either you cheat and pass or abstain from cheating and fail. So in situations like this what incentive is there to be an honorbale person and abstain from cheating. I guess it just sucks that people who chose honor seem to be getting the short end of the stick. Yes, there is some personal satisafction in knowing that you did the work on your own and got a good grade, however does all the work you put into it equal the satisfaction of the easy grade achieved through cheating. I think the same is true of the concept of truth. I am always honest with people I believe are my freinds, even if it is tough sometimes. However why should I continues to be honest with people who are my friends when repeatedly the people who I considered closest to me actually lied to me the most. I also think this is true of the concept of loyalty, there is no sense of loyalty among people these days, friends and lovers are as easily disposed off as if they were garbage because they seem to have fulfilled there usefulness. I guess the point I am getting at is that people just don't seem to care about other people anymore, at least from my perspective. I guess I am lucky that I still have a few friends who feel the sam way I do. Well that is my rant for the night, today was pretty boring, I spent time studying and writing my paper for logic class which I should be doing right now but I needed a break from it. I am hoping to do well on both my finals tommorow and I think I am fairly well prepared for both of them. Also, today I was offered to be a tutor for econ next year, which was kinda suprising to me but I am still honored that I was asked, I am unsure whether or not I will do it though. Today I found out some information that was both disappointing and comforting at the same time, when I am ready I will post more on that later. Also the decision to stay or go is still bothering me alot and I just don't know right now. There is an old saying that once you have served your purpose in a place, then it is your time to leave it. I just don't see myself as being needed here. Again this is a subject that will need a whole lot of thought and soul searching. There is another subject I will be posting on soon that will be avery self indulgent and long post. sorry in advance.I will close tonight by saying I chose to have the qualities i listed earlier because I believe they are they are the right qualities they have even though they do not always present an obvious reward. I respect and admire anyone who choses these qualities for the same reason because it is not the easy thing to do. I conclude by saying that hoping and having faith is not always easy, but if you believe sometimes miracles happen. I am still waiting for mine:(

Study Day...

So today was supposed to be a study day, however relatively little studying got done. I didn't get up until 3 p.m, mostly because of my refusal to get out of bed as opposed to my need for excessive amounts of sleep. Some studying did get done today I managed to review my cases for my con law class and I will most likely review them right before bed tonight. I also got most of my logic paper done. Tommorow I will spend alot of time studying for logic and con law finals as well as finishing a logic paper and revising another, so I might end up not blogging for a few days. I don'h have all that much to say tonight, I am pretty tired, I have lots of work and stress ahead of me in the next few days add that to the already massive amount of stuff on my mind and you have a recipe for someone whose mind is overloaded with stuff. Oh well I' m a strong guy i'll get through it. I guess that's the thing about me is I may not always be happy but I always manage to survive even if I come out of it in really bad shape. I close tonight by saying I never wanted the stars. I never shot for the moon. I like them right where they are. All I wanted was you.

Monday, May 09, 2005

I went a few days without posting..

Well I went a few days without posting simply because I had nothing important to say or tell. Well this post also really doesn't contain any significant or startling new information about my life. I stayed up til 6 am on sat into sun morning and ended up finalyl getting about of bed around 4, shortly after that I ate dinner with the boys and then pretty much relaxed and watched tv the rest of the night. Family Guy is back and the 2 episodes they have done so far have been very good up to family guy standards, while the pacing is a little off still, the outrageous and obscene humor which made family guy great is still there. I did manage to get soem studying done today, I reviewed my court cases twice and began some of the work for my logic paper. So the day was not a complete and total waste of time. I also went for a walk around campus tonight by myself around like midnight, it was a very peaceful walk and this campus really does look beautiful at night, walking around the campus like that reminded me of lots of things both good and bad. Now I am typing this, I will prolly go to bed after this and get up at a decent time tommorow so that I am able to study and work on my logic paper. This will be the first time I have gone to bed at a relatively decent time in a very long time. This is prolly because of the fact that I simply dont sleep well anymore, that is one of the things I hope to change this summer and figure out how to get a good night's rest again. Oh I also made sure to call my mom on sunday and wish her a happy mother's day. My mom is very important to me and I made sure to call and tell her that on sunday. The thought of transferring next year is till weighing heavily on my mind and will get alot of thought and consideration this summer. Right now I am just trying to focus on finishing this semester and getting home. I won't extend the length of tonight's blog by discussing Meghan and at all, I will simply say I still love and miss her. I will close by saying"Always in motion is the future."

Friday, May 06, 2005

I Just Don't Know...

Hey everyone its me again. So Friday morning at 1 a.m. Pat and Dana took me to Alex, because they wanted me to go. I felt so bad for this poor girl that was basically running the entire restaraunt by herself. The service was so slow, and they ended up losing our order so it took even longer, and the food was less than spectacular. But we ended up getting the order comped due to the extremely poor service, the ironic thing was we didnt even complain Pat just sat there staring at the manager inserting the occasional rude comment. The whole experience made me think alot about Meghan, being a former/current? Perkins server she would have had a field day with this girl. Although thats prolly because Meghan was perfect, (in so many ways). Whenever we went to Perkins Meghan would tell me how big of a tip they deserved based on the service. Like I said she would have had a field day with this girl. Plus the whole experience just reminded me of our late night run's to Alex for no good reason, and how we would sit and talk on the way there and back and such. I still miss her. I don't care what anyone says. I am not a cold logical person about the subject. I can be cold and necessary when it is required, however this situation is not one that can be explained by science, reason , or logic. And science, logic, or reason never explained or repaired a broken heart. So critique me if you must for missing her and loving her, but it's part of who I am. I guess that's one of the down sides of having a big heart and really caring about people. But once again that's who I am.Oh well, those of you who know me well enough know that about me. Anywayz, today was the last day of classes, so school is almost over. Then I went home and saw my parents, it was really good to see them. My mom and my dad are my biggest supporters in the world and I don't know how I would ever get along without them. They are one of the only reasons I made it through my break up. It was very nice to sit and talk with them for awhile and such. It will be nice to spend some time with them this summer. Apparently my mom is trying to whore me out to all the female dental students at the college where she works, I guess like 4 or 5 of them wanna meet me this summer, which is shocking to me. But I'll take it, wouldnt hurt me to get back in the dating game again and starting going out again. Who knows, apparently some of them are really cute and such but we will see. I still have a hard time believing any girls would wanna date me, but anything can happen I guess. I really miss having a female in my life. I miss having a girl to pamper and be affectionate with and such. Sigh oh well, sorry for the depressive tone of this post, as Jon would say I'm having one of those poor me nights. I think I am gonna go to bed early tonight and do some thinking before I go to bed. Oh apparently everyone wants to know how often I masterbate because everyone shared this information earlier in the night, well sorry all I think that is kinda personal info and I think it is better left private info. Sorry guys. Also I am also still considering switching schools, I havent told anyone around here about this idea but it's been there for awhile. I really like alot of things about umm and alot of my friends are here and I have some things going for me here, but that doesnt mean I am super happy here. I have so many memories on this campus that haunt me and they are hard to live with. I have to ask myself if I wanna come back and expose myself to the same feelings as I have now and the memories that will always be here. I realize that the memories will be with me wherever I go but so many things on this campus spark them, I can't walk anywhere without memories of her popping up. This is an issue that will be heavily thought out this summer, I know a few of you want me to come back, but I just dont know right now. More on this subject later. I ve talked enough for the night so I will depart and ponder the many things on my mind. I end by saying,Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

A Boring Thursday...

Word up to all my freaks and geeks out there, the Vanilla Gorilla is in the house, holla if ya hear me. Hey again everyone here I am posting again on my never ending quest to fill the unending boredom in my life. Thank you to those of you who left comments to my questions in my last post they seemed very honest and hearfelt and I thank you all for the time and effort and show of concern. Today was pretty boring I got up went to class turned in my con law paper(hoping for a good grade) and then came back to my room and took a nap. The nap was nice and I got up and got ready around 3:30 pm. Then I played a DOTA with the boys. After that I went over to Dana's place where she made Patrick and I some very delicious pork. Thank you again for the excellent meal Dana. Then I mostly sat around the room and watched tv and talked the rest of the night. Basically just another boring night in the life of our hero the Vanilla Gorilla. I have alot on my mind right now so I will just start with whatever comes to mind. Finals are kinda worrying me because this is the first semester I will get more B's then A's so I am disappointed in myself there. Moving back home is rpidly approaching and I am divided on how I feel about that issue. In certain ways I am looking forward to it and in certain ways I am not. Moving home will certainly be a pain in the ass but whats new on that front. I am really gonna miss my boyz this summer. My heart goes out to my sister right now who recently found out that a friend of hers from back home was killed in a motorcycle accident. I am so sorry Hannah I know what it's like to lose someone you care about very much and my thoughts and prayers are with you sis. As a big brother I wish I could tell you something that would take all the pain away and help you feel better, but the only thingg I can think to say is remember the good times and be glad you got to be a part of each other's lives becuase you are a very special person Hannah and I know you made his life better. Just remember if you need anyone to talk to I am here for you, you were there for me to talk about my break up when I needed to and now its my turn to go back to my usual role of being a good big bro;) The ever present thoughts of Meghan are on my mind but that is not unusual. They are especially active tonight due to the fact that I had a long conversation with a friend in which I used my own experiences as a comparison. The two of us had a remarkably similar experience. Don't some of the things you complained about during a relationship seem really stupid after the relationship is over. I think this is true of both sides. Oh well I got some news regarding that issue that made me smile a little and gave me a little bit of joy, but more on that later. On a slightly happier note the Vanilla Gorilla Rap is close to being completed and if I get enough requests I will post it on my blogger, all members of the zoo crew are encouraged to write a rap introducing themselves, I will be happy to post any and all of them on here. haha I guess that's the goofy side of me resurfacing, I have noticed my general mood lately seems to be gradually improving, I will concede it's still not great but progress is progress. I hope this summer will be a good opportunity for me to finish the healing process and resolve any left over issues I have, at least I hope it will be. I don't really have anything else to say tonight. I decided I am finally going to gheta cell phone this summer and would appreciate any advice on the issue anyone is willing to volunteer. I also think I need to purchase a new computer even if it is just a shitty dell. Oh well I will close tonight by saying, always leave the door open, sometimes someone just needs to find there way back before they will come in again.

A Question...

Hey everyone. I was having a converstaion with a good friend today and they said something to me that really made me stop for a second and think and I would like some more opinions on the subject. Does anyone think I am being to hard on myself and trashing myself over mine and Meghans' break up? I mean for a long time I did blame myself even though she's the one who left without a good reason. But I didn't that it was still visible that it still really bothers me. I mean I try not to burden anyone by talking about it alot, except on here because this is an apprpriate forum for it,in person I don' talk about it hardly ever, at least I try not to. And if being around me is difficult I am sorry, I mean I haven't asked anyone to do anything for me or solve my problems or anything but if I have made anyone angry or upsett by the way I act then I am truly sorry. Feel free to post your answer to the question in the comments section all opinions are welcome. I mean I guess sometimes I am kinda hard on myself and do kinda trash myself but I dunno. I mean no one really said afterwards that Meghan lost a great guy or it was her loss,so I kinda assumed the opposite was true and that it was my loss not hers. I guess part of me still feels that way, but oh well. I got my con law paper done and revised today with the improvements Thorson suggested. I am satisfied with the way it turned out, I just hope it gets a good grades it's worth 25% of my grade in that class. Anywayz I dropped my ethics class today as I have mentioned doing in previous posts and I did some calculations and if i get an A and 2 B's my gpa will drop to 3.76 which is still pretty good. I wanted to keep it above 3.8 but I am cutting myself some slack due to all the negative events in my life that happened this semester. A lot of people think that Meghan leaving was the only bad thing that happened. This is far from the truth there were several things in my life that happened that were also quite difficult to deal with that most people don't know about and I won't describe here.But oh well I can live with a 3.76 GPA and I can bring it up in the semesters to come. The end of the semester seems so close yet so far away, I am not exactly looking forward to going home but I just wanna be done with school right now and go home and try to move on and such despite the fact that I will be spending alot of alone time this summer. Thats's ok I guess in a way I am kinda used to it. In my past I spent a lot of time by myself and I guess I am kinda used to it by now. Oh well, only9 more days in morris. To all my boyz out there I am gonna miss you guys. Also to all my others friends from morris who read this I will miss you guys 2. I will stop yapping for now and go to bed. I would appreciate any commentary on the questions posed earlier in this blog if anyone feels like it. I will close tonight by saying, remember me as I was, not as I am now for I was a better man then.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Another Boring Day...

Well as the header indicates today was merely another boring day in my life. I did some good editing on my con law paper and made the changes Thorson suggested, however I still have some work to do on it before I turn it on thursday. Just a few more quick additions and a couple of edits and it will be good to go. I played a quick DOTA tonight with Ross, Pat, Evan, and Noe. Pat and I won pretty easily due to the fact that I randomed a Troll Warlord(one of the best characters in DOTA) and Pat repicked and got Line Inverse(also a very good character). Other than that I didn't do a whole lot today. I still have alot on my mind as the school year draws to an end. I wonder if going home is really going to help the healing process and help me overcome some of my residual issues about Meghan. Some things people will just always carry with them and I think this may be one of mine. I guess some pain never fades and some wounds never heal. Oh well I guess, we all have a burden to bear and I guess that one is mine. I'm not exactly estatic to go home either. Here in Morris, even though I have lots of memories of Meghan and lots of things remind me of her and what we had, here I have people to hang out with and have a good time. I mean even if it's just having dinner with the boyz even that's a good time. Back home most of my friends are gone. Josh joined the army and is currently in Washington training. Nick aka winky is working at shoremaster and spends all his free time playing world of warcraft. Those are about the only people from back home I enjoy hanging out with. So unless I find a girlfriend this summer I guess I will end up spending alot of alone time. Oh well, I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens hopefully I will be working alot and that will fill some of the emptiness. I know I will be doing a lot of thinking about Meghan this summer and I hope to make some strides of progress in that area. I guess home might not be so bad mom and dad are having both bathrooms remodeled and one will have a jacuzzi type tub so that wont be so terrible. Also, dad is thinking of converting back to satellite tv which would be cool. So I guess I could always kill time watching satellite tv and soaking in the tub. Oh well if any of you are ever in the Fergus Falls area and need a place to stay or just wanna come visit just let me know and your welcome to stay, open door policy. I plan on seeing alot of movies this summer Kingdom of Heaven, Star Wars, Fantastic Four, hust to name a few. I am especially excited to see Star Wars Episode 3 to see what happens , it looks like it is quite dark and has amazing special effects I really hope it's better than 1 and 2. I mean 2 was pretty good but 1 was terrible. I will end tonight by stayng in the star wars mood and close by saying Already know you that which you need.

Monday, May 02, 2005

The Game of LIfe..

Hey everyone. One of my friend's blogger posts really made me think tonight. I realized that I have never had a close friend for an extended period of time. Looking back something always seems to to happen that changes things for the worse in my relationshps with people. I mean most people can point to someone and say this person has been my best friend since I was a little kid or these severeal people and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. However I really don't have that in my life. When I was little I moved alot to different places and never really got to make any good friends. Then in high school I wasn't exactly mr popularity and really only had 3 or 4 close friends the whole time. But now I hardly ever talk to those people. In fact I couldnt even tell you where some of them are or what they are doing. I have made some really good friends at college, but how long will it be before something happens to that. I mean just look what has happened so far. Nick left and went back home and I hardly ever talk to him anymore. Meghan dumped me, threw me out of her life, and went home. It's just very frustrating. Meghan just seems to be the last in the long line of good friends who have left and forgotten all about me. Another conversation I had today also made me think really hard. This relates to love. I just wonder if and when I will be able to get back in the game. It's hard to throw yourself back into a game that almost killed you once already. How does one jump back in and attempt to do the same thing? I guess part of it is my own fault. I always follow my heart and do what it tells me. Yeah sometimes it leads to trouble but I can't see myself behaving in any other way. But it just makes me wonder what if anything a girl will see in me or if I have anything to offer at all. I dunno I really don't. Times like these are when it would be nice to have someone tell me things are gonna be ok and I have alot to offer and proceed to tell me that I am a good guy. Ya know just the kind of things a good friend does to help a buddy out. Oh well, I guees I just have to accept things the way they are. I will end tonight by saying" treasure your friends."

Sunday....

Hey everyone. Welcome once again to the sad story that is my life. I left off one member of the zoo crew in that post and that would be my friend Dana who is the Blue Bunny. Happy now Dana?;) Anywayz today was fairly boring. Played alot of Dota's, won most of them of course I pulled characters today too. Other than that I finished up my con law paper but am unsure about the quality of it, hence why I will be giving it to Thorson to look over tommorow and make suggestions on it to improve it before it is due Thursday. Having the paper done is a load off my mind at the current moment, I need to do well on the paper because it is 25% of my grade in that class and I need to pull an A in that class to prevent my grade point average from plummeting below 3.8, I can keep it above 3.8 as long as my other 2 classes are at least B's, since I am dropping one class. I have to I missed so many days being depressed after meghan dumped me that I got to far behind and finishing the class with an acceptable grade simpley was not possible. Oh well, we all make mistakes in life and I am giving myself a greater margin for error this semester with all that has happened in my life. One thing I have noticed is that not alot of people really understand the significance of break ups. Allow me to explain, most people think you are simply losing a bf or gf, however this is not true. When you really care about someone you are losing your best friend and all the things that go along with that. Like when Meghan left me I lost all my plans for having a family and kids and that life. It is not just losing a bf or gf, it is losing a whole lot more. And a piece of advice for anyone going through a rough break up, heal and grieve at your own pace. We all deal with it differently and it takes varying amounts of time. Anywayz, it is so close to the end of the year and I am looking forward to going home and trying to finish healing myself, regrouping, and coming back next year better than ever. But it also makes me sad because so many of the great friends I have made are either leaving moving off campus or whatever, I just hope I can stay in touch with them and keep our friendship going for a long time. But I also wish them the best of luck in their own endeavors whatever they may be. I really don't know what my future holds right now. Before things were very clear and now them seem blurred. But then again I tend to believe that we make our own future and if you want something go make it happen and even if it doesn't at least you can say you tried, and don't go down without a fight. I just have to discover what it is I am looking for again and then go get it. Haha funny how my blog doesn't seem to mimic the real me huh? I mean in person I would like to think I am a sociable, funny, nice, polite, intelligent guy. But on here I must seems whiny, selfish, and maybe borderline depressed. Oh well, those of you who know me well enough know which one is the real me. Well bring on the week and whatever it has in store. I will close thispost by saying "Do or Do not, there is no try".

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Sunday Morning..

Well here I am posting at 5:30 in the morning because I have no life. What exactly should one talk about at 5:30 in the morning. Well today was pretty uneventful, I played quite a bit of warcraft(DOTA) and worked on my con law paper and actually got 4 pages done. 4 pages is alot considering the paper is supposed to be 5-7 pages long so I am quite happy with that progress. Sunday I should be able to finish it up hammer out some revisions and get it to Thorson to look over and make suggestions on before it is due on Thursday. For some reason today I felt pretty down, I don't know why I think a big part of it is I have been thinking about Meghan alot lately. The reasons I have been thinking about her so much is because we were supposed to be getting married this summer on June 25 and that is not something a person such as myself easily forgets. Part of the problems is I never really understood why she broke up with me. She said things just didnt feel right even thought I was the first person she ever truly loved and I made her happy and all that good stuff, but for some reason it wasn't right according to her. I guess I don't understand this concept if two people love each other and make each other happy, then what else is there. I guess I just don't understand the concept whatsoever. She even said when she broke up with me I wish you had cheated on me or lied or something that would give me a good reason to dump you, but I just don't have one. Of course this rambling may be entirely because it is 5:30 in the morning and I am kind of incoherent and such but oh well, you will all forgive me. Plus just how cold and unfeeling meghan seemed to be about the whole thing. That part hurt the most that she didn't seem to really care. Me I was devastated, it killed me inside. I spent 2 months alone in my room before I finally started hanging out with the guys, you guys are great your all my boyz you know that if you need anything you can count on me. I owe you all a debt of gratitude I can never pay. I dunno the whole thing just makes me wonder waht kind of person I am and if I will ever find someone who is willing to spend a lifetime with a guy like me. It's weird ya know, when I came to college I thought I would date around and such and that kinda thing, but when Meghan and I got serious and started talking about having a family and stuff I found a part of myself that I never knew existed. And now I think alot about the family that she and I will never have together and how that dream is gone:( I feel weird for being 20 years old and wanting to have a family and kids fairly soon, but I know in my heart that is what I truly want. I just hope some day another girl takes an interest in me and sees the good qaulities I have. Anywayz, on a more interesting note my dad was called today by a cnn investigative reporter and interviewed at length for an on going research product they are doing on aviation safety, my dad happens to be an expert in that area and his name was given to the reporter by someone who my dad had worked with years ago saying that he was the real expert, so congrats Dad. haha I have to say that even though my dad doesn't know my blogger addy. Also, congrats to my sister on her new relationship, she has been wanting a bf for awhile now and it looks like she landed one, congrats Hannah if your reading. Oh well, right now I just wanna get done with school get home regroup and hopefully come back next year better than I left. But only time will tell what unfolds in my life, I just hope I have some good luck and good fortune to look forward to in the near future. If I were a religious man I would ask for god's help but that's simply not my style. You know what they say about luck , it is bound to change. Finally, I am encouraged to see that people seem to be reading my blog and leaving comments , please continue to do so:) and feel free to link my blog on your page if you so wish. I will end by saying. Cuz it's all in my head, I think about it over and over again, I replay it over and over again, and I can't take it no I can't shake it mmmmmmmmmm.