Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The Weekend...

Hey Vanilla Gorilla fans. So I made it through the weekend alive. My relatives arrived on friday afternoon and so far it hasn't been that bad having them out here, they think I am pretty funny and I seem to do an ok job entertaining them when dad and mom are busy, I know I said in earlier posts that I had no intention of helping entertain but when push comes to shove and my folks need help I can't say no. Those of you who know me well know that if you badger me or ask me enough times to do something that I will end up doing it, Pat is an expert at this. My parents only had to ask once but I felt kinda obligated to help especially with all my parents have done for me over the last 6 months. But it really wasnt all that terrible. They are leaving toward the end of the week, and then several days later we are expecting more relatives out to stay for awhile. Saturday was spent by myself, I kinda just locked myself in my room so no one had to see me in that state. I was a train wreck. I can honestly say thats the worst I have ever been. I didnt get drunk as previously planned, I just couldnt do it. Sunday I was back to normal, well whatever is normal for me now. Today was spent at home, doing household chores and my usual 10 hours a day thinking while my parents ran the reli's around the area showing them the few things worth seeing in Ottertail County. Now I am listening to music and updating this thing. On a different note I saw the new Batman movie last week, it was good much darker and lower tech then the other ones, but still a good movie. My only complaint is that they spend to much time setting up the back story and certain parts of the movie feel over extended, they tried to get too much out of it. Other than that same old boring me, I really would do more if I had the chance, but opprotunities to do things are few and far between. Internet connection is to slow to play warcraft or wow, all my friends are scattered though out the states, gomer works all the time, and you can only watch the first 2 seasons of Chappelle show so many times, and really there are only so many chores that can be done in and outside. Lawn work takes 4 or 5 hours to do everything in the yard, but that only needs to be done every week or so, and you cant do it while its raining. Oh well I have kinda resigned to being bored this summer. Anywayz I hope everyone is doing ok and enjoying their summers.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Today.....

Today is a a very significant day in my life, at least it was supposed to be. Today was supposed to be the day I got married to the most perfect woman on earth. Instead here I sit alone at 3 am thinking about what should have happened and what went wrong. Those of you who know me well, know that getting married was super important to me, because it is one of the very few things I really really desired out of life was to get married and have a family. I know that sounds kinda lame for a 20 year old man to say but thats me. Also I think it was clear to everyone how in love with Meghan I was, I mean I think blind and deaf people knew that she meant tthe world to me, I mean it was obvious if you ever spent any time with us. I mean I know she wasn't perfect, what person is, but my love for her made me see past all that and all I saw was perfection. I guess thats what happens when you see someone with your heart and not your eyes. Now I sit here thinking about the life and dreams I lost when she left, and it kills me. Today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, not the worst. But I guess thats how the world works, I wish I could say I was an asshole and deserved what I got, or that I lied and cheated and mistreated her and got dumped like a cock sucker should, but again this isnt the case. I know today I am going to be a complete mess, it feels like the day Meg left me times a hundred. Ya know normally another day is nothing special to me, merely a date and a number on a calendar, but when you have plans or give that day some type of meaning it becomes so much more, the day takes on a significance that I can not even begin to explain. Thats what today was supposed to be. Like I said things just dont feel right in my life right now, this isnt what was supposed to happen. I would appreciate it if people would refrain from leaving certian types of comments, those along the lines of you will be fine, or get over it, or you are a cocksucker etc, are not welcome today. Normally I wouldnt care but this is a wish I ask you all to respect, please. What really kills me inside is that today meant something to me and it hurts that it didnt come true, and that it is probably forgotten and inconsequential to the other person that help plan what this day was suppose to be. And yes I am well aware that I need to move on and such eventually, but today is a day for grieving for a devastating loss and the life that went with it. I apologize to those of you who have problems with this post, I realize it is quite self indulgent and depressing, but it is how I am feeling and is an important part of my life, I am sorry to those of you who dont like it or my overall handling of things, but its who I am and its my choices, and my friends will understand that. I hope I can make it through the rest of the day, It will be very difficult because of what this day was supposed to be and the feelings that went with it. I will close by saying may god be with you, because he has abandoned me.(bonus points if you know what movie thats from)

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Frustration...

Hey everyone. So I hate to admit it but I am horribly frustrated with my life right now. Normally I try not to be a very emotional person or at least I try to keep it private I think those of you who know me well would prolly agree you dont get to see very many emotions out of me except happiness or maybe a little bit of anger every now and then. But right now I am so incredibly frustrated. I wake up every morning and lay in bed thinking to myself this isn't where my life is supposed to be at right now, this isn't what is supposed to be happening, and my life just feel right. I feel like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that was crammed in the wrong space and manipulated to try to fit. Obviously the piece is in the wrong place and the piece is uncomfortable being there(well at least it would if puzzle pieces had feelings, but for the sake of this example they do).Everything inside of me is telling me that this isnt how things are supposed to be. I mean honestly when I evaluate my life right now I do not like it. When I pictured what my life would be like this summer I had something completely different in mind and it's really frustrating to see where I actually am, compared to where I thought I would be and wanted to be. You know thats the funny things about dreams is they are alot like a beautiful piece of glass that you created. Precious and beautiful things that took alot of work and imagination to create but fragile and easily destroyed by any number of sources, and when they are destroyed a piece of your heart goes with it because you put it into it during the creation process. I just honestly dont know what to do right now, and its only gonna get worse, a week from today I am going to be a complete and utter train wreck I already know this( I have evil magic that lets me see into the future). I just wish I had some answers to all of the questions my heart and my mind have. Sorry for this overly emotional post, I try to keep them to a minimum but right now I couldnt help myself. I'm done complaining for now, I hope everyones summeer is going well and have a good fathers day.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Another Day and A Big Decision

Hey everyone. Not much is new in my life. I went out fishing with my dad today it was raining the whole time and we didn't ctach anything but it was still pretty fun. I hadn't gone in awhile so it was a good time. We both came back completely drenched and without any fish but oh well. After that I hung out with my buddy Josh because he leaves for Washington tommorow. It was really good to see him again, he's been one of my best friends for like 8 years now and it sucks hes not around much, but hey that's part of the military life I guess. He wasnt here for the whole Meghan fiasco and offered his advice and opinion about the situation He basically told me that I am a great guy and that I should take all the time I need to heal That is basically what I am doing it is a long process but I feel like I am making a little progess in certain areas I dont mean I am anywhere nearly completely healed but I have noticed I am slowly getting better in some areas I still love and miss Meghan but I know i need to move on with my life despite how difficult that is I will get there eventually it is just gonna take time and besides who knows what the future holds things can change in an instant so I will wait and see what the future holds for me speaking of which I have made a decison I have decided that I will meet my future at UMM I know it will be hard to deal with some of the memories and feelings I have but I feel like Morris is the place I am supposed to be this decision took me a long time to reach and was hard thought and felt I have strong feelings about certain parts of this decision but I will not discuss those right now I apologize for the lack of punctuation but something is funny with my keyboard right now I will close by saying that the J Train will be rolling back into Morris this year

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Productivity, A Visit from an old friend, and an observation about myself....

Hey again everyone, some things worth talking about have occured in the last several days so I thought would write a new post. I have found something do with all my free time these days. I am helping my dad paint the house, inside not outside, today we got most of the laundry room done and we will finish it tommorow, normally this wouldnt take multiple days, but all the rooms in our house that are painted have these weird textured walls and require thick coats of paint to paint over them. After that we are going to move on to his office, the downstairs bathroom and then we get upsatirs. My mom wants this all done before myr elatives come to visit later this month, I could realy care less I am doing it to help my dad because it is faster with 2 people, my dad's health isn't great, and well my dad is my dad but also a great friend and I pride myself on helping my friends when they need it. I honestly dont care what my relatives think when they come out. I dont plan on entertaining them at all I will leave that to my mom, I will be polite of course I just feel no obligation to entertain. Yesterday I got to see my friend Josh who I hand't seen since x mas, he was home on leave from the army and we went to see Episode 3(2nd time for me) and then hung out and caught up for awhile. It was nice hanging out with him. The first thing he said when he saw me was " Anderson You skinny mother fucker, where is the reast of you?" I had to laugh. I mean I am still a big guy, but I guess I am alot skinier then I previously was. I can't really see it but all my friends and family have mentioned it to me several times so I have decided it must be true. Finally I have an observation about myself thatI think is accurate, I think I must have the words good listener tattoed on my forehead, since I have been home everyone has been coming to me when they need to talk it's insane, now I am actually quite used to this but this summer it seems like even more people are, I mean several of my friends back home, nick, even my parents are both coming to me to talk. I dont really mind though I like to think I am a good listener and easy to talk to and someone who people can trust. Feel free to disagree if you want, but I would say that it's failry accurate.Well that's all I have for now so til next time take care. I close by saying" when you really care about something with your heart, mind and soul, thats when it really hurts to lose it, and thats what real pain is."

Monday, June 06, 2005

Updates and Food for Thought....

Hey peeps. As you all may have noticed my blogging has become more and more infrequent. This largely because I am a horribly boring person with an even more boring life.I dare one of you to claim your life is more boring than mine!! I could post my daily thoughts but I am sure you would all become sick of those quite quickly since they tend to revolve around one subject.One an exciting note I bought a new computer, I badly needed one. The new one is very nice and comes equipped with all the bells and whistles, if you care to know more about it simply ask. A short description is that it is a gateway with a 3.4 ghz processor, 250gb hard drive, 1gb ram, and a 128 radeon gamecard. Needless to say I will be hosting Dota's next year( If i come back). Also I went and saw the kingdom of heaven with my friend Nick, I thought it was a great movie and well worth seeing. On a final update I shaved the beard, my close friends and family convinced me to shave it. They did so by convincing me that I am much more handsome without a beard, I have no idea whether I am or not, But everyone said I was so I shaved the beard, it was itchy anywayz. There have been several issues weighing on my mind lately, I am sure you all know the biggest one. However, another big one has been whether or not to come back to morris this fall. My gut and my head tell me I should come back to mo town, my heart is to busy with other things to be involved in this decision, it has problems of its own. I honestly think I will most likely end up coming back, but I have a part of me thats just pulling me away and telling me to go somewhere else and I can't explain why. Thats all the updates I can give you guys for now. Now for some food for thought, todays topic is family. I feel very strongly about the subject of family. My family means alot to me and I love and respect them all morethan I could ever say. However I have a very strict definition of what family is, and being related simply does not automatically make you family. Family is a feeling and something that is achieved and is not automatically given. Now I dont mean you have to work for it or anything, it;s just something that kind happens by getting to know and getting close to someone. I for example consider many of my close friends to be family because I would do anything for them and I care about them deeply. This whole topic has been inspired by the fact that I have relatives coming out to visit later this month, now my sister acts likes its a big deal and important to visit and spend time with these people, I feel differently, many of these poeple are people I dont like or dont know well enough to like or dislike. I guess I don't feel an obligation to spend time with them or entertain them at all, I guess I am expecting them to come out and pretend like we are family even though most of them havent seen or talked to me in several years,you may be related to me but you really arent family. Feel free to disagree with me but I honestly believe this concept to be true. Anywayz I will close by saying" when you have had the best and lost it, nothing else even comes close."

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Beards, Banks, and my Boring Life...

hello again vanilla gorilla fans. SO today I actually got up and out of bed before 2 p.m., I had some business to take care of at my bank so I got up got dressed and went into town. It's weird even though I am home I still have a sleeping schedule similar to school. I usually don't go to bed til 3,4 or some nights 5 a.m, which results in me sleeping til 1 or 2 p.m.. I mean if I had a job I would feel the need to get up, but since I don't, I don't. I need a reason to get up at a reasonable time, and being up at a so called decent hour is not an adequate reason. To those of you who say I am sleeping away the day, well I am and I prefer the night anywayz so oh well. My parents have been really cool about my inability to find a job, my dad has been very understanding situation and even told me the other day he really didnt care if I found a job at all this summer as long as I continue to do well in school. I mean this last semester was a little below my usual average, but still pretty good by most standards I mean an A, a B+, and a B is not to bad, even though thats the most B's I have gotten on a report card since grade school. But due to mitigating circumstances I consider those pretty decent. But it's nice that my parents have been so cool about the whole thing, nothing stipulates that they have to let me stay here for free and do very little. Oh well, I love you mom and dad and thnks. Even though they don't read this I think that my parents support over the course of my life, especially the last 6 months warrants at least that. The beard is looking pretty good today is officially two weeks since I last shaved and it's pretty thick, thicker than any of you have ever seen my beard before. But the beard is becoming evil!!! lol I am kidding I just decided to say that random thought. Tommorow I am going with Nick to fargo to go computer shopping, everyone knows my current one is a pos and needs replacing. We will prolly go see Kingdom of Heaven while we are there since I want to see it and havent been able to yet. Another exciting evcent is my buddy Josh coming home on leave this weekend, he has 10 days off and we are looking forward to hanging out. the guy has been one of my best friends for about 7 years and it will be good to see him. On a completely different note another one of my best friends has found a new way of amusing me, Pat is quite the artist over msn messenger. All I can say to the msn corporation and whoever developed the drawing tool on the new messenger is you should never have put a drawing tool on that messenger you have unleashed unbelievable creative power and ability to those who should not have it!!! Now on a completely different note I have a thoguht for the day. I have decided that lies destroy the world. Now this maybe an over exaggeration, but I really do think lies are one of the reasons our world is in such bad shape, and I mean real lies not little white lies. Lies do nothing but mask the truth and lead to people suffering and hurting. While the truth may be equally painful at least it is the truth, the truth has a unique way of providing people with a sense of fullness and closure. Lies only seem to raise more and more questions and make you speculate whether some of the things you thought were truths were lies also. In other words honesty really is the best policy. I know that's cliche But I honestly believe that! I think one of the reasons people aren't always honest is becuase it's the right thing to do and is therefore hard. For some reason the right thing to do in life is always the most difficult, at least most of the time. Again this is a situation where there is no incentive not to lie because only you really know if you are telling the truth. That's my rant for the day. I can't decide whether it is I am too moral or whether the rest of the world isnt moral enough. I am lucky to be surrounded by a lot of people who are honest, at least I think;) I guess that's where trust comes in, and I trust you all. Well I ahve written enough for now so tell next time everyone. I close by saying"in a world of pretenders I'll be your defender."